Spaced Out
In unprecedented turnaround time, American Airlines has achieved previously unimaginable levels of passenger discomfort. While some industries have slowed substantially, the airline discomfort market continues to see nearly unfettered growth in large part due to revolutionary new discomfort tech pioneered by American Airlines.For years, the airline discomfort industry has made impressive improvements in overall discomfort primarily by axing legroom. However, after a sudden stagnation in the legroom sector, they had to get creative.
Face Jam
"You see, there's really only so far you can squeeze a leg before you start butting up against the laws of physics: stress fractures, implosions of the femur, accidental amputation, things like that," says American Airlines Chief Discomfort Scientist, Les Rume. "Exploiting the relatively untapped 'face room' reserve seemed like the logical next step."American Airlines Chief Financial Officer Amm Gready echoed the sentiment, reassuring worried consumers and sounding as upbeat as ever, "Tapping into passenger 'face room' should allow us to keep our aggressive discomfort development cycle on track. After all, when it comes to delay, there's just no room at all in this breakneck business."
Breakneck indeed. After my own recent airline travel, I can personally confirm these much lauded 'face room' developments. This isn't just a load of poppycock, people. This is the real deal.
The Discomfort Difference
Just the other day, my wife and I were flown down to preview the state of the art tech. First, we flew Alaska Airlines, an airline with some of the lowest discomfort ratings on record. This was to prepare us for the contrast in technology we were about to witness. And let me tell you. The difference is stark.Next, my wife and I hopped aboard an American Airlines flight. Mere seconds after take off, the people in front of us promptly reclined. Like a bus backing up into my face, the seat-back drew closer and closer until finally with a groan, the seat-back came to a halt...six inches from my face. It really is a sight to behold if you can manage to uncross your eyes. But that's not even the half of it.
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| No butts about it. The passenger scrunching tech is a sight to behold! |
Feature Rich
The clever engineers innovating in airplane discomfort have really outdone themselves, creating a fully sensory experience. In addition to feeling like I was in a garbage compactor, I could literally taste the hair spray of the passenger in front of me. Heck, I could count individual hairs. Now that's hi-definition discomfort!Another interesting engineering feature is the overhead lamp which now shines directly into the eyes of the person reclining in front of you. We are told the purpose of this feature is to highlight just how close your nose is to the seat-back and in turn cement just how uncomfortable you are. It also serves to create a synergy of discomfort making both you and the person in front of you simultaneously uncomfortable. Ingenious! However, your mileage may vary depending on your individual olfactory form factor.
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| A picture of me in my plane seat. |
The Nose Knows
Now, I have a fairly moderate nose, but people with more well-endowed nasal cavities may find they have next to no room at all, leading to what I'm told are bonus experiences such as involuntary hair-huffage (providing the passenger in front of them actually has hair). All this coalesces together to create a discomfort experience that is truly unrivaled in the airline industry. But interestingly enough, not everyone is pleased.For years the Council on Really Astoundingly Mashed Plane Passengers Experiencing Discomfort (CRAMPPED), has sought to undermine this state-of-the-art discomfort tech. A non-profit fighting under the guise of basic airline passenger rights, CRAMPPED has made claims as extraordinary as saying passengers don't actually like having even less room than when they were in the womb. CRAMPPED has said they will continue to monitor the situation.
