ILL AM I

Today, I am ill.  Not in the dope rap sense (though a small percentage of people may vouch for my coolness if bribed).  No, today I am sick, sick as a dog.

Not our dog.  She’s actually remarkably healthy.  In fact, I’ve never seen her cough up as much as a mite of mucus or sniffle in the slightest.  She gallivants joyfully and frolics ferociously.  Heck, dogs can drink contaminated water, eat rotting dead things, and not become dead themselves.  For crying out loud! Dogs are some of the healthiest, happiest creatures in existence.  Sick as a dog. Geez! Who makes up these sayings?

So today, I am sick, sick as proverbial sick dog. But, I’m not going down without a fight. Today, I fight for the right to life, liberty, and respiration. Today, I wage war. I'm not a violent person by nature, except maybe in high stakes pillow fights and with certain species of insects. But when you obstruct my airways and steal my voice, did you really think I'd lay idly by? Yes, head cold I am talking to you. This has gone too far. I'm taking up arms.

My weapons lay on the sink before me:  A strange contraption called the Neti Pot along with the more conventional cup of hot salt water.  Add a strong love of sleep and eating properly to my arsenal, and any cold better think twice before taking up residence in my body.  This isn't the Hilton Hotel.  This is a heavily guarded fortress.

I looked in the mirror, not eyeing myself as much as the cold beneath me.  Sprinkling some salt in the Neti Pot, I mixed the warm water within, mentally preparing myself.

The Neti Pot is a curious contraption, more lamp than pot.  It looks like someone took the lamp straight out of Aladdin, realized the three wishes were gone, and desperately thought up another use for it.  That use happens to be pouring water (salty or fresh) through your nasal cavities.

It sounds like a terrible idea two steps removed from self-imposed torture.  Remember all those times you got water up your nose in swim class?  Yeah, it's not pleasant.  At first, the neti pot can evoke this sensation. Fortunately, your body warms up to it, and the feeling can even become pleasantly soothing.
 
Whether you like it not, your cold hates it.  Creating a water slide in your nose, mucus is ejected from your nasal cavities like a kid caught running at a water park.  With the mucus at last out in the open, you can properly reprimand it before banishing it into the porcelain abyss.  Forever.

Gargling is the secondary weapon, not quite as dramatic, but still essential.  Some people are professional garglers and hacker-uppers by nature.  I know.  My mom is one of them.

My mother is a very gentle lady, God bless her soul.  But, when she decides to hack something up she does it with all the subtlety of a tornado.  And rightfully so.  This is war after all.  With guttural growls that would make a Heavy Metal Rocker quake in their Converse sneakers, she proceeds to attack the mucus via high speed wind currents and contortions of her vocal tract.  Part of me wonders if there isn't a little dinosaur DNA in there.

One night my brother and I were sleeping beneath my parents room when we heard a sound above us.  First, a desperate shuffle, then the sliding of the bathroom door followed by the roar of a dinosaur.  Keep in mind we aren't even on the same floor.  This is how my mother rolls.  Or rather roars.

Alas, I have not inherited this ferocious battle cry.  I gargle and hack with the low RPM hum of a clothes washer.  It's not quite as frightening, but it gets the job done.

I may get sick.  I may sneeze, cough, and even occasionally whimper, but know this sickness.  I am well-armed and well-rested.  Prepare for war.

Wave a handkerchief or tissue for me,
Mark